Not to Be Outdone By Marvel and DC, Beetle Bailey Plans Gay-Sex-Themed Strip

GREENWICH, CT — Gay comic book characters are taking the spotlight in the media as two of the industry’s biggest creators have decided in recent months to publish gay weddings and coming out parties for popular men and women in tights. And Beetle Bailey doesn’t want to be left out.

The LGBT community has been giving plenty of attention to comic book publishers DC and Marvel for their plans to highlight gay characters in their upcoming books, praising them for their positive display of the gay lifestyle and public approval of the queer community.

Riding this raucous rainbow wave of recent respect, the creator of the popular cartoon strip about lazy Private Bailey and his hilarious exploits at Camp Swampy, has decided to get in on the action by upping the homosexual ante, as it were.

Just hours after Marvel announced the imminent marriage of X-Man Northstar to his longtime boyfriend Kyle Jinadu in an upcoming issue (which in turn seemed to be a quick reaction to DC Comics’ recent announcement of an as-yet-unknown but well-established superhero who would shortly be coming out of the funny pages closet), Beetle Bailey cartoonist Mort Walker called a press conference near his Connecticut home to declare that in two weeks’ time, the not-terribly-funny and way-past-its-prime-if-indeed-it-ever-had-a-prime comic strip would show, in graphic detail, a “graphic tryst” between Private Bailey and longtime nemesis and superior officer Sergeant Snorkel.

When asked just how graphic the strip would be, Mr. Walker replied: “You’ll see things in there that you’ve never seen before… Unless you’ve ever looked straight down while you **** your boyfriend in the **** while he’s **** your **** until you **** with the neighbor’s dog.”

Representatives for Marvel and DC were not available to comment about the Beetle Bailey proclamation, but anonymous sources have confirmed that they really couldn’t give a shit about anything Mr. Walker says, draws, writes, thinks, feels, or believes. He’s just way, way off the radar.

And how is the gay community responding to the news? In wide-eyed shock, a major dose of trepidation, and a slow shake of their collective heads.

“Okay, Funky Winkerbean,” said Mr. Walker at the end of his press conference this morning, “the ball’s in your court. Now what are YOU gonna do about it?”

Oh, dear, god, hopefully nothing at all.

In unrelated news, self-back-patting from the media about honoring the gay community by recognizing them with little known, minor, irrelevant, stock, or stereotypically written characters is getting old. This writer wants to know when Batman will be stepping out of his bat-closet. And he prays that when that happens, the event will be quiet and respectful and universally accepted, because being gay is simply a NATURAL PHENOMENON TO THE HUMAN CONDITION, in millions and millions and millions of lives.